Embracing Solidarity: It's OK to be single

When you start getting closer to my age, the questions start flowing, 'Girl, why you not married?' Or 'Where your boyfriend at?'  These inquiries do not bother me because I'm single, they bother me because of the implication that I am required to be be married or in a relationship. Clearly, I do not feel that way. This post is for women AND men whom are single looking to get past that label.

Being single has NEVER scared me, I realize that everyone is not me and that for some the idea of being alone is a sad depressing thought. However, for me I see being single as an opportunity to improve upon issues within myself that have caused conflict in previous relationships so that when the time does come, I'm confident in myself that I can the best mate possible. Too often we rush into relationships, out of loneliness, sexual frustration, pressure from family and friends, and simple convienice. I'm going to address a few of these and ways I personally have dealt with these feelings, as well as what I have observed from my peers.

Loneliness

We ALL get lonely, some more than others. While I personally am very introverted, I still enjoy companionship just like anyone else. I STILL struggle with with it occasionally, so please believe this is not me saying I never get lonely or crave the companionship of another person because I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying I do not allow that one emotion to allow me to make stupid decisions involving my heart and soul.

It takes the confidence of knowing that there is something better for you in the future.Willingness to endure incompability with a person, mistreatment, emotional, verbal and even physical abuse just to be in a 'relationship'  is simply illogical. Once you come to terms with loving yourself and with the reality that it may not be time for you to be committed, it's easier to accept. It also means learning to do things BY YOURSELF. Yes, that means exploring your own interests, hobbies, activities, etc, WITHOUT someone else, including family and friends. Why do I say that? Because family and friends can falsely fill that void until you face being alone head on. Deal with yourself. Learn yourself. I started going to movies alone, out to dinner, to shows, and it didn't make me feel lonely. I felt empowered that I was still enjoying my life and learning new things about myself. If you HAVE to go everywhere with someone else, even the simplest of places, my personal opinion is you do not need to be in a relationship. Depending on someone that much emotionally is not healthy. But, yea that's that. Do shit on your own and love it.

Sexual Frustration

I will try to make this as quick as possible because this can turn into another post in itself. So, we're all grown here. Most of us have sex. Most of us love it. That reason alone should not be enough to commit yourself to someone, but we all have needs. So what to do? Well masturbation is always an option, though you don't want to do that too much. Second option? Fuck somebody. Didn't think I would say that huh? As stated before we are all adults, so no need to sugarcoat anything. However, proceed with caution, since you are single it's easy to mistake a sexual connection with an emotional one, so you have not mastered the ability to differentiate between a sexual relationship and an emotional one, just don't have sex. Easier said than done clearly, but in the long run you'll save yourself tons of stress over what this is or isn't when you are realistic about it from jump.

Pressure

Now this is something I can honestly say I have absolutely no issue with, but I see it happen all the time. I hear people say things like 'All my friends are married, wonder when I will be next' or 'My mom is ready for me to get married/ or get into a relationship so I can give her some grand babies' Ummm, yea who's life are you living again? I understand friends and family are vital in most people's lives but you have to understand why you are in the place you are. You may be single because you want to devote time to your career or school. You may be single because you are not ready. You may be single because you want to be. You may be single because its just not the right time. Whatever the reason, as long as you have come to terms with why, no one should make you feel guilty for living life at your own pace. Also, STOP comparing your relationship or lack thereof to everyone else. That lovely couple you see posting pics on INSTAGRAM, FACEBOOK AND TWITTER may be on the brink of separation or dealing with issues of infidelity. Everything that glitters isn't gold, so learn your truth and everything will fall into place.

I will end this post with clarification. First of all, if you view this as negative in anyway then perhaps you need to evaluate your reading skills. I'm embracing being single because that's where I am in my life right now. I've chosen to take the pros from that situation to better my life and strengthen my character. That doesn't mean the cons don't exist. It just means I've learned to accept them and have found ways to deal with the negative aspects in a constructive way. I truly hope that this post helps someone who is struggling with being single because we all have been there. 

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Why I Don't Go to Church

I usually stay away from religious discussions, mainly because your spirituality and religious beliefs are a very intimate and personal part of each of us that should not be dissected or critiqued by everyone else. I am tolerant and accepting of everyone else’s beliefs even if they do not match my own.  That being said, I hope that everyone can find some relativity in this post and the honesty that I am going to share with you.

 I was raised in church. Since I was a small girl church was something that I did every Sunday. I always looked forward to going it had become routine for me. Around the age of 12, my mother, my sister and I joined a new church. I am originally from Georgia, we moved here when I was 4, it took my family a while to meet new people and develop relationships where we could find a church home that felt like family. Once we joined this church however, I felt like I was apart an instant extended family.  I was baptized there and soon began my new life learning more about God and how I can live a life that is closer to his will. I joined the choir, was actively involved in youth activities and became immersed in a life that was centered by the teachings of the Bible and living according to His way.  My social life was church. That was okay for me. With so many youth there my age, church wasn't a chore for me. I was honestly fulfilled. Going to sing at various church events, going on outings with my church family, it was the best of both worlds. I was having fun with peers, as well getting the Word and enrichment that I needed. 

Once I graduated high school, went to college and left after 2 years, I moved back home. I was somewhat displaced because of course leaving school was a hard decision. I began working, but didn't really go out; all of my friends were in school. I felt left out from what my peers were doing and began attending church regularly again, going to bible study, helping with the choir, attending various events. Once it was decided that I wasn’t going back to NC A&T, I decided to enroll at Wake Tech here to save money but continue furthering my education.   My church was much invested in the youth there and provided stipends to all new and returning full-time college students. Once I was enrolled and accepted into Wake Tech’s program I inquired with the church if I was eligible to receive the stipend.  The proper personnel discussed and got back to me with their decision.  I was shocked and angered to hear:

“Catrice, we fell it would set a bad precedent, for you to receive the stipend, we feel that it would tell the younger kids that its ok to drop out of school and come back and ask the church for money”

WHAT????!!!!!   

Respectfully but sternly I WENT OFF:

“I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. I have been a member of this church since I was 12. I knew you would say no, but this reasoning is just unacceptable. I could have gone anywhere to ask for help but I came here, to my CHURCH for help. I just don’t respect this church’s leadership and I will make that known”

There was a meeting set up with myself, my mother, and some leaders of the church including the Pastor.  Basically I was told the same things over and over I was a non-traditional  student, I was now “grown” and the stipend is intended for traditional students completing a degree, I have so much potential and should complete my 4 year degree, etc.  I essentially was told that I was a bad example to younger members. Mind you prior to my requesting a stipend, there were no stipulations on the stipend whatsoever. Just being a college student was the only requirement.  Suddenly I was being told every reason on earth why I wasn't eligible.  I was even told that it may not be a good idea for me to go and participate with the kids at bible study, apparently because my mere presence there and not off at school, was an indication of failure.  The amount of disappointment I felt was immeasurable. I felt lost, angry, sad, judged. I couldn't believe these words were coming from people within my church whom I respected and loved like family. Church to me was a place I had always felt I could be free from judgment, because that’s where God was, and where forgiveness was always present. I was wrong.  Needless to say, I stopped attending church, declined requests to assist with activities and continued taking classes.  I only went to certain special programs when I deemed it necessary or when I was moved to do so.

This has happened about 4 years ago, but the effects of that situation changed the way I view “organized religion” forever. Yes I know every church wouldn't have done that or said those things to me, but every church is going to have people that are not doing God’s will. The guidance that I look for and seek by going to church was intersected by the feelings I felt being pushed to the sidelines because I wasn't following a path they thought I should follow. I have attended different churches since, and most give me the same feeling of being discouraged, some churches are more concerned with the appearance of their congregation, the income, the building, some use God’s name to carry out their own manipulative agendas, and attack people who they feel aren't “holy” enough.  I choose not to attend church regularly because I don’t feel I should have to be distracted from God’s word by ostracism, gossip, meddling, and politics.

Do I praise and worship God at home? Yes. Do I pray to God at home? Yes. I talk to God everyday about everything. His guidance is what keeps me centered.  There are still times when God moves me to go to my home church and I go, still receiving judgment even on my presence at church. “Oh wow, I can’t believe YOU’RE here.”

I still get what I need from God without attending a church full of people that don’t have his intentions in their heart, but carry out their own. I try daily to give Him what he needs from me. Of course, we all fall short I pray that God will lead me to a church where I feel his presence again, but right now I don’t feel it from the churches I have attended. I feel more connected and no distractions worshiping alone so that’s what I’m doing and will do until God moves me elsewhere.

Thanks for reading. 

For Better or For Worse: My View on Marriage

Marriage. It’s what we are all raised to do. We all spend the better part of our lives looking for the person to spend the forever with. The plan is to have kids, buy a house…blah, blah, blah. In this day and age however, marriage is simply not taken seriously. It’s more of an obligation or a last resort to our lives than anything. With divorce rates seeming to rise higher and higher, it leaves a sense of discouragement, hopelessness, and desperation among African-American women who wish to marry. The amounts of married men that I encounter who try to pursue me are countless.  So this tells me that the institution of marriage is no longer respected or valued.  Divorce is an easy way out for so many people. What happened to the fight? What happened to the undying love that you vow to one another at the altar? What happened to ‘til death do us part’? Is it all for show? Yes.  I sincerely feel that most people get married based on society’s standards of what a successful marriage should be, not their own. The reasons I feel a large number of people get married are as follows:

Ø  Children: Because a couple has a child or children together  prior to marriage some  feel that a child should be brought up in a two parent home to display a sense of normalcy and lack of dysfunction, therefore marriage is an option of security for a "complete" family.

Ø  Age:  With the pressure of age, men AND women all tend to reach an age where they feel, “I’m 35, not married, no kids” They would rather settle for what appears normal in order to achieve what they think should be their life goals

Ø  Financial Convenience:  We all know logically in MOST situations a two-income household with legal obligations offers a comfort to some people, knowing that , depending on the circumstance there is a legal obligation for their spouse to take care of them financially.

There are countless other reasons, but I think those are the most prevalent. In no way is this  post a put down to those who are already married, engaged, or considering marriage. I just wanted to share my perception of it. While I'm sure that most would view my opinions of marriage as negative I just view them as realistic. I have a clear view of what  NOT to look for in a spouse, and a clear view on my expectations of a potential spouse.  Many have asked me do I plan to get married, my answer used to be “I don’t believe in marriage” which I later found was worded completely wrong and was very misleading.  Now I feel I can more clearly explain my stance: I want true love. Mushy right? And if you know me, that’s not something you would expect me to say. I also fully understand true love is not enough. It simply is not enough for me. It is consistent work, compromise and sacrifice. Some people are simply not cut out to provide that type of dedication and commitment.  Am I one of those people?  That will remain to be seen. Marriage has never been in my life plans if you can believe that. It is secondary to the goals I want to accomplish for myself, such as finishing my degree, becoming successful in my career, and purchasing my home. Marriage has always been to me an extra incentive sort of an “icing on the cake”.  Nevertheless, realize I do take marriage extremely serious. It’s not something I will rush into. I will never look at the surface of a relationship and think “he could be a great husband” Every aspect will be analyzed. I will make sure that I do everything to ensure that marriage is the best decision for me   No I’m not looking for perfection. I’m not naive enough to think I will have it all figured out or that my marriage will be without issues. BUT I do know my [possible] future husband and I will make our own rules, find what makes OUR marriage work, keep tradition as far away as possible.