I was raised in
church. Since I was a small girl church was something that I did every Sunday. I
always looked forward to going it had become routine for me. Around the age of
12, my mother, my sister and I joined a new church. I am originally from
Georgia, we moved here when I was 4, it took my family a while to meet new
people and develop relationships where we could find a church home that felt
like family. Once we joined this church however, I felt like I was apart an
instant extended family. I was baptized
there and soon began my new life learning more about God and how I can live a
life that is closer to his will. I joined the choir, was actively involved in
youth activities and became immersed in a life that was centered by the
teachings of the Bible and living according to His way. My social life was church. That was okay for
me. With so many youth there my age, church wasn't a chore for me. I was honestly
fulfilled. Going to sing at various church events, going on outings with my
church family, it was the best of both worlds. I was having fun with peers, as
well getting the Word and enrichment that I needed.
Once I graduated high school, went to college and left after
2 years, I moved back home. I was somewhat displaced because of course leaving
school was a hard decision. I began working, but didn't really go out; all of
my friends were in school. I felt left out from what my peers were doing and
began attending church regularly again, going to bible study, helping with the
choir, attending various events. Once it was decided that I wasn’t going back
to NC A&T, I decided to enroll at Wake Tech here to save money but continue
furthering my education. My church was much
invested in the youth there and provided stipends to all new and returning
full-time college students. Once I was enrolled and accepted into Wake Tech’s
program I inquired with the church if I was eligible to receive the
stipend. The proper personnel discussed
and got back to me with their decision.
I was shocked and angered to hear:
“Catrice, we fell it would set a bad precedent, for you to
receive the stipend, we feel that it would tell the younger kids that its ok to
drop out of school and come back and ask the church for money”
WHAT????!!!!!
Respectfully but sternly I WENT OFF:
“I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. I have been a member of
this church since I was 12. I knew you would say no, but this reasoning is just
unacceptable. I could have gone anywhere to ask for help but I came here, to my
CHURCH for help. I just don’t respect this church’s leadership and I will make
that known”
There was a meeting set up with myself, my mother, and some
leaders of the church including the Pastor. Basically I was told the same things over and
over I was a non-traditional student, I
was now “grown” and the stipend is intended for traditional students completing
a degree, I have so much potential and should complete my 4 year degree, etc. I essentially was told that I was a bad
example to younger members. Mind you prior to my requesting a stipend, there
were no stipulations on the stipend whatsoever. Just being a college student
was the only requirement. Suddenly I was
being told every reason on earth why I wasn't eligible. I was even told that it may not be a good idea
for me to go and participate with the kids at bible study, apparently because
my mere presence there and not off at school, was an indication of failure. The amount of disappointment I felt was immeasurable.
I felt lost, angry, sad, judged. I couldn't believe these words were coming
from people within my church whom I respected and loved like family. Church to
me was a place I had always felt I could be free from judgment, because that’s where
God was, and where forgiveness was always present. I was wrong. Needless to say, I stopped attending church, declined
requests to assist with activities and continued taking classes. I only went to certain special programs when
I deemed it necessary or when I was moved to do so.
This has happened about 4 years ago, but the effects of that
situation changed the way I view “organized religion” forever. Yes I know every
church wouldn't have done that or said those things to me, but every church is
going to have people that are not doing God’s will. The guidance that I look
for and seek by going to church was intersected by the feelings I felt being
pushed to the sidelines because I wasn't following a path they thought I should
follow. I have attended different churches since, and most give me the same
feeling of being discouraged, some churches are more concerned with the
appearance of their congregation, the income, the building, some use God’s name
to carry out their own manipulative agendas, and attack people who they feel aren't “holy” enough. I choose not to attend
church regularly because I don’t feel I should have to be distracted from God’s
word by ostracism, gossip, meddling, and politics.
Do I praise and worship God at home? Yes. Do I pray to God
at home? Yes. I talk to God everyday about everything. His guidance is what
keeps me centered. There are still times
when God moves me to go to my home church and I go, still receiving judgment
even on my presence at church. “Oh wow, I can’t believe YOU’RE here.”
I still get what I need from God without attending a church
full of people that don’t have his intentions in their heart, but carry out their
own. I try daily to give Him what he needs from me. Of course, we all fall short I pray that God will lead me to a church where I feel his presence again,
but right now I don’t feel it from the churches I have attended. I feel more
connected and no distractions worshiping alone so that’s what I’m doing and
will do until God moves me elsewhere.
Thanks for reading.
