Why I Don't Go to Church

I usually stay away from religious discussions, mainly because your spirituality and religious beliefs are a very intimate and personal part of each of us that should not be dissected or critiqued by everyone else. I am tolerant and accepting of everyone else’s beliefs even if they do not match my own.  That being said, I hope that everyone can find some relativity in this post and the honesty that I am going to share with you.

 I was raised in church. Since I was a small girl church was something that I did every Sunday. I always looked forward to going it had become routine for me. Around the age of 12, my mother, my sister and I joined a new church. I am originally from Georgia, we moved here when I was 4, it took my family a while to meet new people and develop relationships where we could find a church home that felt like family. Once we joined this church however, I felt like I was apart an instant extended family.  I was baptized there and soon began my new life learning more about God and how I can live a life that is closer to his will. I joined the choir, was actively involved in youth activities and became immersed in a life that was centered by the teachings of the Bible and living according to His way.  My social life was church. That was okay for me. With so many youth there my age, church wasn't a chore for me. I was honestly fulfilled. Going to sing at various church events, going on outings with my church family, it was the best of both worlds. I was having fun with peers, as well getting the Word and enrichment that I needed. 

Once I graduated high school, went to college and left after 2 years, I moved back home. I was somewhat displaced because of course leaving school was a hard decision. I began working, but didn't really go out; all of my friends were in school. I felt left out from what my peers were doing and began attending church regularly again, going to bible study, helping with the choir, attending various events. Once it was decided that I wasn’t going back to NC A&T, I decided to enroll at Wake Tech here to save money but continue furthering my education.   My church was much invested in the youth there and provided stipends to all new and returning full-time college students. Once I was enrolled and accepted into Wake Tech’s program I inquired with the church if I was eligible to receive the stipend.  The proper personnel discussed and got back to me with their decision.  I was shocked and angered to hear:

“Catrice, we fell it would set a bad precedent, for you to receive the stipend, we feel that it would tell the younger kids that its ok to drop out of school and come back and ask the church for money”

WHAT????!!!!!   

Respectfully but sternly I WENT OFF:

“I’m sorry but this is ridiculous. I have been a member of this church since I was 12. I knew you would say no, but this reasoning is just unacceptable. I could have gone anywhere to ask for help but I came here, to my CHURCH for help. I just don’t respect this church’s leadership and I will make that known”

There was a meeting set up with myself, my mother, and some leaders of the church including the Pastor.  Basically I was told the same things over and over I was a non-traditional  student, I was now “grown” and the stipend is intended for traditional students completing a degree, I have so much potential and should complete my 4 year degree, etc.  I essentially was told that I was a bad example to younger members. Mind you prior to my requesting a stipend, there were no stipulations on the stipend whatsoever. Just being a college student was the only requirement.  Suddenly I was being told every reason on earth why I wasn't eligible.  I was even told that it may not be a good idea for me to go and participate with the kids at bible study, apparently because my mere presence there and not off at school, was an indication of failure.  The amount of disappointment I felt was immeasurable. I felt lost, angry, sad, judged. I couldn't believe these words were coming from people within my church whom I respected and loved like family. Church to me was a place I had always felt I could be free from judgment, because that’s where God was, and where forgiveness was always present. I was wrong.  Needless to say, I stopped attending church, declined requests to assist with activities and continued taking classes.  I only went to certain special programs when I deemed it necessary or when I was moved to do so.

This has happened about 4 years ago, but the effects of that situation changed the way I view “organized religion” forever. Yes I know every church wouldn't have done that or said those things to me, but every church is going to have people that are not doing God’s will. The guidance that I look for and seek by going to church was intersected by the feelings I felt being pushed to the sidelines because I wasn't following a path they thought I should follow. I have attended different churches since, and most give me the same feeling of being discouraged, some churches are more concerned with the appearance of their congregation, the income, the building, some use God’s name to carry out their own manipulative agendas, and attack people who they feel aren't “holy” enough.  I choose not to attend church regularly because I don’t feel I should have to be distracted from God’s word by ostracism, gossip, meddling, and politics.

Do I praise and worship God at home? Yes. Do I pray to God at home? Yes. I talk to God everyday about everything. His guidance is what keeps me centered.  There are still times when God moves me to go to my home church and I go, still receiving judgment even on my presence at church. “Oh wow, I can’t believe YOU’RE here.”

I still get what I need from God without attending a church full of people that don’t have his intentions in their heart, but carry out their own. I try daily to give Him what he needs from me. Of course, we all fall short I pray that God will lead me to a church where I feel his presence again, but right now I don’t feel it from the churches I have attended. I feel more connected and no distractions worshiping alone so that’s what I’m doing and will do until God moves me elsewhere.

Thanks for reading.